My Little Gracie Girl

It's the day after the funeral. I'm sitting here in bed and everything is quiet. In a way it is a relief to have everything over and in a way it is paralyzing.

It rained all night the night before I went to the hospital. I even took a sleeping pill but it didn't have much effect. My father-in-law drove us to the hospital and as soon as we pulled up I got out of the car and all but ran inside. I figured if I had enough momentum, if my legs gave out I would still end up inside the doors and they could figure out how to get me up to the third floor.

I got all hooked up and as they strapped my legs into these air pressure cuffs I had the distinct feeling I was being locked up so I couldn't make a run for it.

We had two hours to kill until the surgery so we watched The Addams Family and some cake decorating show. They served their purpose and distracted me until the doctor showed up. Then everything moved way too fast. It was all too fast.

They wheeled me to the OR and it was a blur of people telling me to do things and move places and they were about to insert the giant needle so I needed to curl my back and lean against the nurse. They told me to exhale and I did and as I exhaled the weight of it all came crashing down and I started sobbing.

The anesthesiologist kept asking me if everything was okay did it hurt. And I said no it didn't hurt. But it did. Everything hurt so much. If I didn't know better I would have thought my heart was going to explode.

My legs started going numb so they had me lay down. I didn't get sick this time like I did with Bennett. I just laid there shaking and crying. And everyone kept asking me if something was hurting and I kept saying no but it was. My entire being was hurting. This was the beginning of the end and it hurt like hell to know that.

I kept crying and my husband kept trying to wipe my tears but bless his heart he is such a boy and clearly does not know how to wipe tears when wearing mascara. I eventually swatted his hand away and just held it instead.

The entire room was expectant, like everyone and everything was holding its breath. The doctors were talking in low voices and I was shaking.

And then Kendall said, "There she is! There she is!" But I couldn't see her. "She is beautiful and she has dark curly hair!" he said. And I still couldn't see her.

She let out a little mew of a cry and the neonatal team whisked her over to a table to work on her. And all I could see was their backs. Just a bunch of scrub wearing backs. Kendall went to be with her and my mom came and sat by my head to keep me calm.

I couldn't see her, I couldn't see her. I just wanted to see her. She cried more and more. They had to wrap her back they said. Her legs were bent the wrong way they said but she was okay and breathing and beautiful.

And then all of a sudden they laid her on my chest. There she was. She was crying quietly but she was there and she was breathing and she was mine. I kissed her head over and over again and stroked her lovely hair. I've never had a baby with hair before all my boys have been bald and blonde.

She had a darling little button nose and perfect rosy lips. She was so soft. Her hands were perfect. She held my finger.

They tucked her inside my gown and she laid on my chest and slept. I think it calmed her a little to hear my heartbeat again.

They wheeled us back to our room and the hordes of family that loved her so much came filing in. Everyone got to see her and stroke her little curls but i wouldn't let anyone hold her. She belonged to me. she belonged with me.

The boys thought she was cute and looked at her for a moment and then they were off to play some game when she clearly wasn't going to do anything more impressive than sleep.

People eventually filed out and it was just Kendall and Gracie and me. Her breathing was a little strained so they put her on oxygen and they gave her a little feeding tube to see it eating would comfort her. It seemed to help. So I wrapped her up and we just slept and laid together the rest of the day.

In the middle of the night her back bandage started leaking the spinal fluid so they had to rewrap it. She seemed to be in pain so we eventually started giving her morphine and it made a huge difference. Her face finally relaxed and she seemed so much more content.

At 12:45 the next day she was officially 24 hours old. She had made it a whole day! We got her a little cupcake and sang her happy birthday. Her brothers blew out the candle. We were so proud of her. She hadn't opened her eyes yet though it wasn't for lack of trying. She would try her very hardest but we think she just didn't have the muscles to do it.

And then about 15 minutes after we blew out the candles she stopped breathing.

Everyone left the room except for Kendall and the nurses came in. We watched her little monitor for her oxygen levels and her heart rate. It began to slow. "What am I supposed to do?" I said. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to do this?

She turned purple and was quiet. We all held our breath watching this little darling. My little baby. And then she sputtered and I jumped. It scared me to death. But she was breathing again. It was labored breathing but she was breathing.

I held her close to me and cried and cried. This went on for 14 more hours. She would stop breathing and it would all start again.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was horrible to watch her struggle. The worst part was when she would turn purple. I was useless. There was nothing I could do. I cried so much that my eye lids looked like they had been stung  by bees. I literally could not see at one point and they brought me an ice pack for my face.

I wouldn't let anyone else hold her unless it was when I had to get up to go the bathroom. And the whole time I was in the bathroom I would ask Kendall, "Is she still breathing? Is she still breathing? Is she still breathing?"

But she always was. She was always waiting for me. Kendall gave her a blessing and in the blessing, he asked for her to open her eyes so we could see them just once. And shortly thereafter she did. Just the right one. She cracked it open and we could see her beautiful blue eye looking at us.

In the early hours of the morning Kendall and I started to fade. We had been up for 50 + hours. We would take turns sleeping and watching.

At 3 I was woken up. It was like someone had nudged me but Kendall was sleeping and no on else was there. Gracie was still there in my arms fighting to breathe. The room was quiet and dimly lit. She made some cooing noises. I nudged Kendall to wake up and he did but he couldn't stay awake. He was so, so exhausted. I stared at my little baby girl and kissed her on the forehead. She cracked her little eye at me  and we stared at each other. Then she sighed this peaceful little sigh, and was gone.

She didn't turn purple this time or struggle. She just let out her perfect little breath and slipped away back to her Heavenly Father.

It was just me and Gracie, like it had been for that long nine months. I think she wanted that special moment to be between us and I will always be so, so grateful to have it. Me and my Gracie girl. Me and my baby.