Bundt Cake and Setbacks

My milk is gone today. Which is a relief but also makes me inexpressibly sad. As my stomach begins to fade and the milk dries, I find I just can't shake the feeling that all the little pieces of her are disappearing.

She was just like a shooting star, and then I blinked and she was gone. I keep all of the things she wore and touched at the hospital in a little memory box, inside a zip lock bag. Her little preemie sleeper smells so much like her and sometimes I feel like that's all I have left. Her sweet little smell.

The funny thing is, it isn't all that sweet. It mostly smells like the sterile pads they used on her back but for me, that has become the sweetest smell in all the world. Except for her hair. We washed her hair with lavender shampoo so I suppose her hair smelled the best. 

This is the part where people usually chime in with heaven and how we will be with her again, and I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't mean I don't feel terribly sad sometimes.

I'm two weeks out and I find I'm still paralyzed. I am not good with human interaction. Crying is almost as natural as breathing to me. And sometimes it doesn't help when people who know about our situation tilt their heads and get that look in their eyes and say, "How ARE you?"

I'm fine. I'm well. I'm surviving.

It gets a little better every day. And I don't say this because I don't want people to ask how I am and talk to me, it's just hard I guess.

By now, you're probably wondering what Bundt Cakes is doing in the title of this post.

I went to pick up a cake as a thank you present for Kendall's law firm. (He goes back to work Monday) It had been a pretty good day. We went to my little sister's high school musical and out to dinner with my parents, (kid-less! It was nice and quiet and I actually got to eat).

We made a quick stop to pick up the cake. Kendall and I went in and called in our order. Then a lady came at us with free samples and said, "You are going to love this!" Then she proceeded to bend down to my stomach (which is clearly not as faded as I had supposed), and said, "You will too, little one!"

Kendall kind of froze and I just smiled and took the sample. We paid for our order and she said, "Congratulations, honey!"

"Oh, thanks," I said and we left.

I cried the whole way home. Like I said, it's just hard I guess.

*hopefully next post will be the funeral