Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Exclamation Points

I just re-read the last post and it seemed weird to me. Over analyzing? I probably am. I wrote, her growth is back on track and then put an exclamation point. And at the time the exclamation point just seemed so... odd.

I mean I guess it's--positive--, but sometimes I struggle with positivity. I mean I guess I am hopeful? But then I feel like hopeful for what?

I think I could definitively feel hopeful if, say, I was hoping for her to be healed and get better. But this in between, this half hope is awkward at best and devastating at worst.

It's just like, I feel hopeful that she is growing again so that she will what? Make it full term and then die?

I think the real problem here is the uncertainty. At the growth appointment what really happened was the doctor told me that we need to figure out a plan. If she survives to birth and is stable enough we have to decide whether or not we are going to begin the processes of surgeries... or not.

The obvious risk with the surgery is that she will not be strong enough and die on the table. Which I HATE. I know that I do not want her to die all alone like that. But if we don't do the surgeries, with her heart problem she won't last more than a few days.

So I feel like I am making the choice of actively killing her, or passively killing her. And it makes me sick to my stomach ALL the time. It's a paralyzing weight on my heart.

And then there is that little piece of hope that always lingers in the back of my head that she will be a miracle baby. She will be the one that shocks the doctors and pulls through but I don't know. I don't know how to hold to that.

This whole experience has pretty much rocked my world in that everything I thought I knew and understood about life is suddenly in shambles. Everything seems so shiny and bright and simple before. That's what life has become, a before and after.

And I sit there and think, is this that moment? Is this the moment, the struggle, the event that I will measure the rest of my life by? Before Gracie and after Gracie? I'll have my own timeline of BG and AG.

I married young while most of my friends stayed single and lived it up in college. I had two kids and put the distance between us even more. I always felt a little older, a little more worn, (I guess having kids does that to you).
And then my friends started getting married and having kids and I felt like we were on the same plane again.

And then this happened. And I feel ancient. I feel like I've aged 100 years and that there were so many things that bothered me or worried me BG and now I just brush them aside. Things as simple as fridges.
My husband wants side-by-side doors and I wanted the one with the freezer drawer. BG I would have fought TOOTH AND NAIL to prove my choice was better. Now I don't care. It's a fridge. It will be cold. Done and done.

I'm not saying I take no pleasure out of life anymore or that I give into my husband's opinions every time... I'm sure he is reading this scratching his head and thinking, has she EVER given into my opinions? (love you honey).

I guess I'm just saying I just feel tired and I use up most of my fight on Gracie.

The bottom line is, we won't know anything until she is born so really I shouldn't borrow trouble, but it's true we have to plan. There has to be plans. If she does pass quickly what will we do? Where will we bury her? Will we hold a service? You don't like to think about these things, but these things, these foreign things are suddenly creeping onto the stage of my life and there is nothing left to do but deal with them.

Googling for pricing on little caskets is a strange experience let me tell you. I think even Google, hesitated and didn't know what to put into the auto-fill function. And maybe she won't die. Maybe she will survive, but if she doesn't, I need to have a plan. I don't want to have to be making all of those decisions in the middle of total grief.

Sorry. This post was heavy. For the record, I am STILL okay. It comes with the territory I guess. But I want to remember. I need to remember it all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Growth Update

Went to the perinatal doc today and had an ultrasound. Her growth is back on track! So that's good news. She is still little in the 6th percentile and measuring small by about two weeks, but at least she is increasing again.

We got to do a 3-d ultrasound which was fun to see really see her facial features though Kendall thinks it makes her look a little weird, but I am only 26 weeks so she hasn't really accumulated all the baby fat yet that helps. I will try and scan them and post them soon. (but I hate scanning so we will see HOW soon.)

Anyway. Just wanted to let you know.

Also wanted to let you know I've developed a new fear that they are going to tell me whoops we were wrong and she is actually a he. That would throw me for a loop I think. ;) Oh how I love my irrational fears.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Girls in White Dresses

This is the beauty my mom's friend made for Gracie. It's teeny right now since we don't really know when she will be born or how big she will be. I think she is making one in a slightly bigger size as well.

The neck and arms are velcro because, worst case, she is still born, their limbs aren't flexible so it's difficult to dress them. The velcro solves this because she could just be laid onto the dress and velcro'd in.

I know it's been a while since my last post which was mostly a bleak version of my perspective but I assure all of you we are doing all right.

I have an appointment with the perinatal doc tomorrow which will tell us a bit more about her growth trend so that will be good, or at least informative.

I am about 25 weeks right now which is incredible because this has literally been the longest pregnancy of my life and I am STILL not in the 30's but oh well.

I have been trying to enjoy it though. I'm trying to just really savor the time right now that I have with Gracie. She is very very active and so I lay in bed at night and just feel her bouncing around and it's comforting. It's our girl time.

We are going to be moving in a couple weeks to a new house which is exciting!!! AND the bonus is it will keep me EXTREMELY busy as there are MANY projects to be done.

The problem with moving to a new hosue is we will also be moving to a new ward (moving to a new ward is kind of like moving to a new school district for my church, you go to whatever building and time based on where you live). ANYWAY, the dilemma is what do I say?

I'm clearly pregnant and will clearly get questions, but saying Hi, I'm Emma and yes I'm pregnant with a girl and she will probably not survive, is kind of a conversation killer.

Case in point. I went to a birthday party for my second born and I was chatting with all the moms. I basically pretended everything was fine with the baby et cetera, but there was this one lady who went on and on about how great it was to finally be having a girl after three boys and all the milestones in a girl's life and how great her wedding would be. (SERIOUSLY? She was very adept at adding salt to the wound). And finally I said, yeah she has all these problems and might not ever leave the hospital.

That shut her up and she tried to discretely avoid me the rest of the party. So, I don't want people to avoid me because they don't know what to say so I think I might just not say anything???

Would you be offended if you were friends with someone for a few months, she had her baby, and then you found out all along that she knew the bad news? I don't know. Maybe it will just come out naturally.

Anyway. I'll try to update tomorrow about the appointment. Until then...;) (see the smile on my face? I'm doing just fine.)