Exclamation Points

I just re-read the last post and it seemed weird to me. Over analyzing? I probably am. I wrote, her growth is back on track and then put an exclamation point. And at the time the exclamation point just seemed so... odd.

I mean I guess it's--positive--, but sometimes I struggle with positivity. I mean I guess I am hopeful? But then I feel like hopeful for what?

I think I could definitively feel hopeful if, say, I was hoping for her to be healed and get better. But this in between, this half hope is awkward at best and devastating at worst.

It's just like, I feel hopeful that she is growing again so that she will what? Make it full term and then die?

I think the real problem here is the uncertainty. At the growth appointment what really happened was the doctor told me that we need to figure out a plan. If she survives to birth and is stable enough we have to decide whether or not we are going to begin the processes of surgeries... or not.

The obvious risk with the surgery is that she will not be strong enough and die on the table. Which I HATE. I know that I do not want her to die all alone like that. But if we don't do the surgeries, with her heart problem she won't last more than a few days.

So I feel like I am making the choice of actively killing her, or passively killing her. And it makes me sick to my stomach ALL the time. It's a paralyzing weight on my heart.

And then there is that little piece of hope that always lingers in the back of my head that she will be a miracle baby. She will be the one that shocks the doctors and pulls through but I don't know. I don't know how to hold to that.

This whole experience has pretty much rocked my world in that everything I thought I knew and understood about life is suddenly in shambles. Everything seems so shiny and bright and simple before. That's what life has become, a before and after.

And I sit there and think, is this that moment? Is this the moment, the struggle, the event that I will measure the rest of my life by? Before Gracie and after Gracie? I'll have my own timeline of BG and AG.

I married young while most of my friends stayed single and lived it up in college. I had two kids and put the distance between us even more. I always felt a little older, a little more worn, (I guess having kids does that to you).
And then my friends started getting married and having kids and I felt like we were on the same plane again.

And then this happened. And I feel ancient. I feel like I've aged 100 years and that there were so many things that bothered me or worried me BG and now I just brush them aside. Things as simple as fridges.
My husband wants side-by-side doors and I wanted the one with the freezer drawer. BG I would have fought TOOTH AND NAIL to prove my choice was better. Now I don't care. It's a fridge. It will be cold. Done and done.

I'm not saying I take no pleasure out of life anymore or that I give into my husband's opinions every time... I'm sure he is reading this scratching his head and thinking, has she EVER given into my opinions? (love you honey).

I guess I'm just saying I just feel tired and I use up most of my fight on Gracie.

The bottom line is, we won't know anything until she is born so really I shouldn't borrow trouble, but it's true we have to plan. There has to be plans. If she does pass quickly what will we do? Where will we bury her? Will we hold a service? You don't like to think about these things, but these things, these foreign things are suddenly creeping onto the stage of my life and there is nothing left to do but deal with them.

Googling for pricing on little caskets is a strange experience let me tell you. I think even Google, hesitated and didn't know what to put into the auto-fill function. And maybe she won't die. Maybe she will survive, but if she doesn't, I need to have a plan. I don't want to have to be making all of those decisions in the middle of total grief.

Sorry. This post was heavy. For the record, I am STILL okay. It comes with the territory I guess. But I want to remember. I need to remember it all.