Friday, June 15, 2012

And We're Back.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm not going to lie.

A couple of week ago I attended the funeral of the sweetest four year old boy that ever lived.

It was horrible. And the public part of me wants to write that I am glad he is at peace and the service was beautiful. And the service WAS beautiful but it was horrible. I felt like I was watching myself. My sweet friend was a mess and shaking and sobbing and I felt every sob rack through my heart.

These little ones.To be given a taste of heaven and then having it torn away. It's excruciating.

I wasn't going to go to the cemetery because honestly I didn't know if I had any more than the service in me. But we went. And I stood behind the casket and I could see my friend's face. And she had this stare. This stare I know intimately. The same absent, numb, stare on my face at Gracie's funeral.

And it broke my heart and it brought back waves and waves of feelings and memories that I can't say I care to relive. It is a wonder mothers can even walk at their child's funeral. It is a wonder our hearts can keep beating at all.

They had made these little rubber bracelets that said, "Angels for Atticus" on them. And I wore mine for days after. I went to Wal-Mart and all I could think was. They don't even know. They don't even know that an amazing little boy is gone. Missing from this Earth. And it was all I could do to push my cart down the aisle and not sob like a lunatic for some person's "people at Wal-Mart" photo montage.

The feeling of pain and loss isn't as intense for me as it was at first. But it is always there, stumbling around in the background.

When I braid my niece's hair, I wonder what Gracie's hair would have been like. Would it have been long enough for a ridiculous looking tiny little hair spike by now? Would it have stayed as dark as it was?

I don't even look at the girl's clothing section.

When I think about going to my boy's sporting events, (and I'll be honest I haven't really gone much at all), I sometimes feel resentment that I won't be going to any dance recitals. Won't be searching etsy for the cutest tutus.

I meet new people now and they don't even know. And right now I don't even tell them because I don't like the way it puts them off. Makes them frown and apologize. I don't want others to feel sad. I feel sad enough.

My hope chest is full of little pink things and smells and memories and I can't even bear to open it. I can barely stand that it is even in my room sometimes.

There is always a little baby girl that sticks her head up over the pews at church and I have to look away. I avoid baby blessings like the plague. It's hard to hear a blessing full of life and exciting expectation when I don't get to expect anything.

Okay. Sorry. Sometimes I get carried away but it feels good to just get it out sometimes. I do expect things. Great things. I know I will get to be with my little Belles again someday. I cannot wait for that day. Death is not such a scary thing to me now. I know I have my little baby girl just waiting there for me and that is a wonderful and peaceful thing to know.

I have an amazing husband who is STILL carrying bits and pieces of my heart for me. He is a rock and I sometimes wonder if I deserve someone so good and kind.

My monkeys are still crazy and probably will always be. I was at the grocery store today and I had just a few things left to get and I told the boys, "We're almost done. We're almost at the checkout. Just a few more minutes." And then I realized I was repeating to myself over and over and over, "We're almost done. We're almost there." Insane Mother aisle 8.

James prays that we can all be with Gracie again someday. Harrison prays that she will come back. Bennett just snuggles. I thank the Lord EVERY day for giving me that little boy. I believe He knew that I would need a little baby to love on. Every now and then I sneak into his room at night and pull him out of his crib just so I can rock him. It is all I can do to ease the ache in my heart sometimes.

Anyway. And last post I was telling you to check my other blog. Haha. Someday.


  1. We just went to a funeral for a friends 18 month year old daughter. It was horrible. I watched the mom like a hawk the entire time. I was mesmerized by the fact that she wasn't a sobbing heap on the floor, that she could muster a smile for an attendee, speak in a normal voice, watch a video montage of her sweet daughter even, without shedding a tear. That is not to say that there weren't moments when she cried with grief that only a mother can know and feel. I was thinking of you the entire time. You are a brave woman, an amazing woman.
    Your comment about not fearing death anymore reminded me of one of Elder Richard G. Scott's conferences talks when he spoke of losing his children and finding in the grief a motivation to do his best in life so that he could live with them again one day. You do have something to anticipate and look forward we all do. But you got to see it with your own eyes. You saw a bit of heaven and eternal happiness in the sweet face of Gracie and you know you will get to see it again.
    I love you Emma. And your strong husband. And your cute little monkeys. Hugs to you all.

  2. Emma, it was so good to see you and talk to you. I really really wish I could have been to Gracie's funeral, but I feel like I was with you through your words. I don't know why things happen. Maybe its to "unlock the love" like Cindy's poem read. It hurts. I hurt for you. I hurt for Cindy. As my sweet friends, I wish I could take this burden away from both of you--but I'm sure I couldn't bare it as well as you both have. Keep writing. Its healing your heart in an intimate way that only writing can do. And time. Lots and lots of time. Sure love you. xoxo

  3. My heart still aches for you Emma. So sorry to hear about that little boy who passed away also. It is never easy when it is a child a parent has to bury. It is only thing for an elderly person to pass on. They lived a good life and it was just their time. When little ones pass on it is a whole other story. There is a family in the other ward that just lost their 5 yr. little boy in a tragic car accident. The other survived without any life threatening issues but since he was sitting in the back of the van he got the worst of the accident. It was so very sad to hear and to see the sweet little family go through that just pulls on your heart strings and makes you want to cuddle your children a little more.
    So sweet that your boys pray for Gracie. They are a huge blessing and will help you heal. You will all do it together and it is okay to feel anger, saddness and fear. I think I am over those feelings now. It has been almost 8 years since Madalynn passed and each day and every year the pain is less intense. I can look back and think of her and not cry anymore. It will always be a tender thing to think about but the hurt and pain is gone. There is nothing but hope and anticipation for the day when we can be with her again. You will feel that way too in time. I sure wish we could just meet up and just talk and hang out. I miss those days in Arizona. I hope you are doing well in Texas. We sure think about you guys alot. We love you and send happy thoughts your way!