Thursday, April 19, 2012

Brave Like Gracie

I've been into reading lately. Little portable escape routes.

But reading pre-Gracie and reading post-Gracie feels different to me. Like I understand something there that I didn't before.

I love to write. It is a hobby and it helps me escape a little. But I've always struggled with protagonists. Specifically protagonists in tough situations. I could just never really get behind them emotionally. For example, in a lot of these hero stories, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, pick your poison, I would read about these protagonists who were the "key" to saving whatever world they had to save.

They were the only ones who could do it. And to me, I was like "come on! Buck up Harry! YOU are the chosen one so just do it!"

And when they were frustrated or reluctant I always thought, Well geez. It's for the greater good you know. Pull it together.

Call me insensitive. Call me immature. I probably was both and more.

But I feel like I get it now.

I was the chosen one. I was chosen to be Gracie's mother, to be the vessel that got her here and back to her Father in Heaven. And I can say that many times I didn't want to be. I didn't want to carry that ring to Mordor.

I would sometimes lay there at night with my husband and throw a tantrum like a five year old and just keep saying, "I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this. I don't want to do this!"

Sometimes I would hope I would miscarry. They told me every dang appointment I was going to. Please, just end it, I thought. Or can't this be happening to anyone else? ANYONE else?

But it wasn't. It was me. It was happening to me. It was my "quest".

And now she's safe and sound and things are returning to that quiet stability I once knew. And I feel different about life. I feel older, sure, but I feel stronger. I feel sad, but I feel great hope.

I guess I can see now that I am the protagonist of my story. And I will get discouraged and I will get beaten down but I feel like I can be brave now, something I had never really felt before.


  1. Beautifully put.
    Here's to a good protagonist!
    Although, in my opinion, Harry and Frodo haven't got anything on you. :)

  2. So I don't know much about writing, and I'm definately not as well read as you, but I think I get what you are saying. I feel strength and hope in knowing that I'm living out my story and conquering, (with the help of the Lord, ofcourse). I know that even though I've thrown my own fits over what I'm going through, I know I can do this. Love you.

  3. Well said. Indeed you are a brave one & we all admire you for it. xoxo

  4. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but I think it's a beautiful way to think of it. Thank you.

  5. Emma, for the longest time, I didn't even know you had this blog. And Gracie was born right when we had moved here and I didn't really know you yet. So, just today, after reading these beautiful posts, I feel like I am seeing you for the first time. And I know you now. And feel so blessed. This post resenated deeply within me today... for I am at a stage when I feel "I don't want to carry to Mordor" either. And I think, how? How can I possibly do these tasks the Lord and the world have set before me? Who am I to save them all? And it brings peace to me that somewhere out there another mother has asked herself the same question. Ya know? I guess what I'm saying is thank you. For helping me to not feel so alone and incapable today. Thank you for your friendship and bravery.