The Funeral Part Two

I'm not going to lie. I've put this off.

Sometimes the days are easier when I don't relive things. Sometimes I can't control it, out of the blue a heart wrenching horrific memory will assault my mind and I can see everything with excruciating detail causing me to lose it. But sometimes I can, for example the blog.

I don't want too much time to pass though because I want to remember.

So. Funeral Day.

I wore pink. And I carried her blanket. When they took her away at the hospital I clutched onto that blanket like it was the only thing keeping me tied to this Earth. I clutched it for days. I slept with it, ate with it, basically all but showered with it. I still sleep with it but I suppose that will pass in time too. Just not yet.

We went to the funeral home. I was apprehensive. We went into the foyer and off the foyer were all these double doors. We were pointed to our doors and went inside. And there she was. Laying peacefully in a cradle. She could have been sleeping. I ran to her and held her and sobbed.

We prepared her coffin. Her sweet little coffin my dad made. It was perfect. We filled the bottom with rose petals. There was a little white pillow for her head. It was as lovely as it could be.

I don't think I can write much more about that. It was a deeply personal and sacred time. I think this picture pretty much sums it up.



Kendall and I had to part ways before the funeral. He had to go home and pick up some of his family members and I needed to stop at the pharmacy first so I went with my mom.

The time for the funeral was getting closer and closer and I started feeling more and more nervous. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go in and have everyone stare at me and look sad and say they were sorry. So I told my mom I wasn't going.

I wasn't.

Let me just pause a second to express my gratitude for my parents. For everything they have done for me. Without them I would be....I don't have words.  

But my mom. She is my best friend and often times a second self closely aligned with my thoughts and needs. She just anticipates--me.

Anyway. She turned to me in the car and said, "You need to put on your big girls pants and go. Gracie would want you there. You go, you bear it and then you can go home and fall to pieces. But you go."

I felt like a little child again. She was right. So I went. 

But when I walked in the foyer and I saw people standing there I bolted for an empty classroom somehow grabbing my youngest sister by the arm as I went. She was like a shield. I pretended to be engrossed in a conversation with her until we closed the door. 

I collapsed onto a chair and she sat down next to me. Now. She is ten years my younger and still in high school. Let's just say, her life experience is a little different than mine. But she was exactly what I needed. She said, "What do you need? Do you want a hug? Do you want me to tap dance? Because I can do that." (and she literally could because she had been practicing for her school musical)

I laughed and said no dancing was necessary and then we somehow got started on planning this amazing junk food fest for after the funeral. It was very very detailed involving a handful of establishments and carefully ordered food and the creation of a junk food pyramid balancing the salts, and sweets, and sours. It distracted me and made me laugh a little. 

And then my mom flung open the door saying "there you are. Everyone has been looking everywhere for you!" 

I hadn't relized no one witnessed us going into the classroom but oh well. It's not like they would start without me.

We went to another classroom where all family members were and held a little prayer. My monkeys and the other cousins were running around laughing and screaming and everyone kept telling them to be quiet and tried to restrain them but I liked it. I imagine that if Gracie was with them she would be doing the same thing  

Now. This what I think about funerals. It's like a wedding except there is no honeymoon at the end. I had expected there to be my family and maybe a handful of others. But I was wrong. The entire chapel was packed. I was not prepared. I suddenly felt self conscious and emotional. I don't even know who was there really because all I could do was stare at the ground as we walked the long aisle to the front. 

The service really was lovely. We sang an opening hymn and then Kendall's dad offered a prayer.

And then....Kendall spoke. When Kendall had said he wanted to speak I thought he was crazy. I knew that if I had tried to speak I probably would have sobbed until I blacked and out and they would have had to carry me out of there. But he did. And he did it with grace.

He wore a hot pink tie. If any of you know my husband, you know this is highly irregular. The only reason he possesed a hot pink tie was that he was forced to wear it for one of his brother's weddings. He is just not a pink guy and definitely not a softie.

But oh, Gracie Belle. She was only with us for a matter of moments really and he will eternally be wrapped around her little finger. He wore that pink tie with pride for his little girl. It was all his idea. I love that man.

He somehow managed to speak and then a family friend, Eric sang a beautiful arrangement of 'Silent Night'. My dad accompanied on the piano. I found out after the fact that they were very very nervous about the performance because they had never made it through the song without mistakes or without breaking down once. Not ONCE. But I believe the Lord strengthened them because they performed it PERFECTLY. I am almost certain not one eye was dry afterwards.

Then our stake president, President Riding spoke. I have known him since I was very young and he helped guide Kendall and I through this trying time and I just felt he would be perfect. And he was.

We had a closing hymn at which point my children were about to bounce off the walls and my father said the closing prayer.

I know this took forever for me to post and you to read but I do have more to say about the burial. HOWEVER. I will have to have a funeral part three because I am done for now. 

Until then.