Harrison's Valentine's party was today. My attending it hadn't given me a second thought until I pulled up to the doors. This is a place where everyone knows what happened, but I don't really know anyone there. As if trying to make small talk isn't hard enough.
I considered not going and then I realized I had his Valentine's so I had no choice. I walked in and everyone said "Hi!" and I mean "HI!!!!!" Too much. They knew it. I knew it, but no one knew how to de-awkwardize the situation so they all fell into small groups of twos and threes and chatted.
I kind of went over to Harrison and hovered, attempted to jump into a conversation which came to a stop when I came over and I eventually wandered back to Harrison. I sat on his tiny little chair and made him sit on my lap.
He was like a human shield. I acted really engaged in what he was doing and saying. And then they pulled him out of the room to play some game. So I turned to one of his little friends and acted really engaged in what HE was doing and saying.
And I've come to realize that it is much easier for me to socialize with four and five year olds. I am starting to feel much better about my plan to teach preschool in the fall. One of the little girls who had previously been OBSESSED with the fact that I was pregnant came over and said, "Is the baby out of your tummy?" I said, "Yes." She looked me up and down and said, "Okay" and started talking about Rapunzel.
Now that's the kind of conversation I can handle.
I know I never posted part two of the Funeral but I am just not in..."that place", I guess. Right now, it feels better to keep things tucked away. I think I am in a place where I don't want to relive it over and over in my mind. But sometime I will be. I'm sure of that.
Signing out.
I'm sorry Em. I wish I could be there with you right now. I'm so excited for you to come visit me!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your story because I too feel more comfortable socializing with small children and always have. Small talk is WAY too hard sometimes...and frustrating. You're doing good in my eyes. Not that that means anything. :) But really, you are amazing. And I don't mean that in some "I'm trying to make you feel better" way. You really do amaze me.
ReplyDeleteThat picture of Gracie is absolutely adorable.
Hang in there friend. One step in front of the other, and sometimes that's enough!
ReplyDeleteLove the picture of Gracie. So so beautiful! So ready to see you and visit! Good idea turning Harrison into your "human shield". You're brave! You really are. Emerging into social scenes is totally hard and awkward. Stick to four year old circles....keep it simple. Love you. And take how ever long you need with pretty much everything you have before you. You're allowed.
ReplyDelete